buzz, whirr

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: Hey.

You: What’s up?

Stranger: not too much, sorta in a tight situation tho

You: What’s your tight situation?

Stranger: I’m in china and I was just walking in the woods, I have appeared to have stepped on a landmine…trying to figure out how to diffuse it…Google is banned here so that doesn’t help

You: … you stepped on it, but didn’t detonate it?

Stranger: No I haven’t released my foot yet

You: Indiana Jones that shit.

Stranger: I am thinking if I find something of equal weight I can replace it, like in Indian jones

You: LOL

Stranger: hey you are on my wavelength

You: I hope my leg doesn’t blow off vicariously.

Stranger: Maybe you should take a few steps back

You: Okay, done.

Stranger: Im scared…

You: On three.

You: One, two…

You: … Hold on, this is a terrible idea.

You: I have an idea.

Stranger: fuck i nearly went

You: Tie it to the bottom of your shoe, and keep it there for the rest of time.

Stranger: holy shit that is genius

Stranger: what about when I need to shower…I will have to leave my shoes on

You: Pretty much, yeah.

Stranger: I hate wet shoes

You: Oh god, me too.

You: Wet socks are the bane of my existence.

Stranger: but thats okay Its better than having one leg

Stranger: fuck wet socks with a metal pipe

Stranger: Okay im looking for something to tie it with

You: Take the shoelaces off of the shoe.

You: You wont need them anyways.

Stranger: but then my foot will slip out

Stranger: and BANG

You: Not if you tie it to your shoe.

You: The pressure applied from below and above will keep it against your foot.

Stranger: woah you just blew my mind

You: be careful when you slide the lace around the bottom.

Stranger: are you a physistst fuck i cant spell physist

You: okay, look, this is what you’re going to do.

Stranger: im looking

You: you’re going to need four or five different strings.

You: one string will do, the one from the shoe

Stranger: okay I have that

You: but the thing is, because the landmine is circular, I’m assuming

You: You’re going to have to tie one vertically, in relation to the toe of your shoe, okay

Stranger: yeh your right? I am starting to think maybe you know a little to much

You: in the middle, between the toe and the heel of your shoe

Stranger: but i still trust you

You: and then you’re going to have to tie one string going from the heel of your shoe

You: wrap it around your ankle

You: and then bring it around the toe of your shoe, and then fish it underneath the mine

You: and tie it someone behind your heel.

Stranger: Okay that sounds easy enough

Stranger: give me a sex

Stranger: sec**

You: and then use the other laces to tie it at other points vertical, one above and one below the original first string.

Stranger: okay its done

Stranger: I am gonna try and walk now

Stranger: back up

You: Hold up

You: HOLD ON.

You: You’re probably going to have to wrap it with something

You: Like cellophane, or something

Stranger: im in fucking china dude

Stranger: cellophane aint here yet

You: because the wear and tear of the ground is liable to weather down the shoelaces/string

You: and when that shit is gone, the landmine falls off, and boom.

Stranger: this is fucked up

Stranger: what about my shirt can I use that instead of cellophane

Stranger: its blue

Stranger: with red stripes

Stranger: size medium

You: That may be more inconspicuous.

You: People may think that you’re odd, or that you may have a club foot.

You: But hey, that’s better than having one leg.

You: One leg and lacking the genitalia you had before. You’ll be urinating into a bag on your one leg.

Stranger: that’s ok i hate people

You: You don’t want that shit. I’ve seen House. That nigga pees in a bag.

Stranger: we don’t get hbo here

You: Ironically, House comes on USA. Sorry about that.

Stranger: Yeh its okay i don’t think you guys get CHINA either

You: okay, okay. back to the task at hand.

You: this is serious shit.

Stranger: at foot*

You: not that I have to tell you that.

You: holy shit

You: you could slide your foot into the shirt from the bottom.

You: and you could possibly pop your foot out through the neck.

Stranger: It sounds plausable

You: and then tie the sleeves above your foot.

You: and then twist off the bottom of the shirt around your ankle.

Stranger: like origami?

Stranger: fucking Japanese I bet they put this land mine here

Stranger: back in 1939

Stranger: anyway IRRELEVANT

Stranger: I can do that

You: fucking Sony, and shit.

You: okay, let me know when you’re done with that.

Stranger: Done! … you know what, kinda looks pretty good

You: think you’re down to try walking?

Stranger: I reckon it could catch on

You: hope it doesn’t s’plode.

Stranger: fuck…only one way to find out

Stranger: back up son

Stranger: shit bout to get real

Stranger: count me down from 5

You: hold on

You: I’M NOT READY.

Stranger: fuck

You: I want to let you know

You: this has been quite the journey for me.

You: I’m glad we’ve come this far, and I hope for the best.

You: …

You: 5…

You: 4…

You: 3…

Stranger: wait

You: 2…

Stranger: WAIT

You: … what?

You: WHAT

Stranger: I love you man

You: I love you, too, man

Stranger: okay lets do it

You: 1!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.